deadrat needs a girlfriend...?

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Applications are open for the role of Girlfriend (singular, obviously). The salary is paid in attention and the rare art of showing up when the room goes quiet.

About me: Tamil. Cynical, yes, but not immune. Anti‑imperialist and anti‑capitalist and somehow still frightened by Sundays. I can fix your GNU/Linux box and make rasam that smells like home, but I still eat alone more nights than I admit. My love language used to be sarcasm; now it’s honesty with a limp.

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Minimum requirements (I’m lowering the bar because I’m tired of the ceiling):

• Laugh at gallows humor; tolerate righteous rants.
• Knows the difference between privacy and performance.
• Understands that love isn’t a subscription tier (I think it will becoma a huge thing in future).

Nice to have (not deal‑breakers; I’m not hiring a deity):

• Reads something other than notifications.
• Can argue without turning into a TED Talk.
• Will bully me into drinking water and touching grass.

What I offer (besides the obvious disaster):

• Memes, books, and badly timed honesty.
• Late‑night tea, early‑morning silence, mid‑day phone calls from bathrooms.
• A clean /etc/hosts and an even cleaner conscience.

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What this really is

It’s an inventory of loneliness disguised as a joke. The ad format was a mask; this is the face. I’m not looking for a manic pixie communist savior. I’m looking for someone who will text “home?” at 11:43 PM and mean it. Someone who gets that the world is on fire but still waters the plants.

FAQ

• Why the ad? Because dating apps are casinos that pay out in loneliness, and because saying “I’m lonely” sounds less pathetic when wrapped in bullet points.
• What’s the catch? Me.
• Red flags? Plenty. They come pre‑laundered. I’m learning to fold them into flags for ships that come back.

How to apply: send a message that proves you read past the first paragraph. Or don’t. I’ll still make tea and wait for water to boil like it changes anything.

If selected, I’ll try - not pretend - to be emotionally available. If rejected, I’ll rename the quiet to “rest” and try to believe it. Either way, the universe keeps expanding, and tonight I notice.

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